Dear Avril Lavigne: How are you still famous?

avril lavigne

Way back when, Avril Lavigne was this 15-year-old punk rock princess hailing from somewhere, Canada. She dyed strands of her hair pink, wore a petite tie, and stuck out her tongue frequently. Her pop ballads about rejection, boys, and rebellion resonated with pre-teens yet confounded those with lyrical acumen.

I was never a fan of Avril’s, but I respected her unique brand (back then). It was uncommon to listen to a pop singer who rode a skateboard and who clung strongly to her independence from mainstream frock. It can be implied that her fanbase consisted of preteens. Now fast forward to 2014 and we see her selling out. She clearly sold her skateboard for a yacht. It’s okay, though, because one would assume (sans listening to her albums) that she matured into a young, rich socialite.

Yes, she is friends with major A-list musicians, is a partier (with Kelly Osbourne), and is married to eww from Nickelback. Albeit, anything associated with Nickelback is disgusting and foul.

Avril may have changed her life around, but her music hasn’t changed one bit.

We know that Avril sold out for a quick buck, but who gave her that buck? Who are her fans? It can’t be preteens from nine years ago because they grew up to become pretentious winos with a penchant for running endless marathons.

Back then, I didn’t know anyone who listened to her sugary emo-pop. Even girls who wore her skater raiment would listen to Linkin Park and focus on nü metal instead of mainstream pop. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s okay that Avril sold her rickety skateboard for a fancy-schmancy yacht, and it’s okay that she changed her brand around. But who really cares about Avril?

Who are Avril Lavigne’s fans? Why do we still care about her?

She’s never been a great songwriter. Her songs are either about self-imposed rejection or about partying with fake friends. The only idiots giving Avril Lavigne money are teens and preteens with dissociative identity disorder. Poor, self-conscious, insecure derps.

Now, I would like to meet a preteen who is actually a fan of Avril and see what she (maybe he) has to say about this. I bet that this little preteen obsesses over Shailene Woodley, wants to marry Edward Cullen, and owns a pair of Uggs lying right beside her backpack. I assure you that this preteen Avril lover will grow up to be a contestant on Jersey Shore 5. It’s inevitable.

Let’s say Avril wants to extend her starpower to the future–is it really possible?

There’s not enough plastic surgery in the world to make Avril look 15 years old forever. I promise you this: once Avril matures into a young woman, she will lose her fame. It will die down. In her mind, she’s 15 years old with tons of cash to spend. Doesn’t this theory explain why she supported her music video “Hello Kitty” and why she also copied Gwen Stefani in the direction of this floppy production?

Not even Chad Kroeger’s star power can save her from the future.

 

 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. That one gave me a good laugh! I am not saying I was one of those preteens but I did listen to her stuff occasionally back in Germany. Her first album was decent, and like you said it was something different. I always liked I’m with you and the first one…. gee, I don’t even know what it’s called any more. haha. Now, I do LOVE me some Gwen Stefanie though!!Oh, and what’s the deal with Nickelback? I never associated myself with them. Great observation!! Loved every word of it!

    1. Miss Quirky says:

      Hey Simon!!!

      I am so glad you like the article. In short, I wrote it in jest and wanted to make it funny. Gwen Stefani is always awesome, she’s both talented and confident. In the states, we make fun of Nickleback for being a fake rock band since several of the band’s tunes are overly wrought with pseudo-angst. As always, I look forward to more of your fun movie entries 🙂

      – Sherryn

      1. Okay that makes sense! I was held back for a while, since you know I am moving back to Chicago. But I will post more shortly.

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